Balance: the Rainbow we all chase.
"I just want to find something with a good work / life balance," she proclaimed while pondering her next career move.
"That's great, babe, but it's bullshit and impossible," I said, once again adding style points to my husband of the year candidacy.
The reason I know it's a load of crap is because I've said the same thing, you've uttered it as well, and the hundreds of people I've interviewed over the last few decades have screamed out into the ether of the universe that their next career move must bring them balance.
A life of uninterrupted tranquility and harmony.
Rainbows, unicorns, and free cotton candy!
Zen.
But, alas, I don't look around and see an epidemic of equanimity. I observe quite the opposite.
Despite broadcasting our desire to "balance work and life" to the universe, I see people more frazzled than ever.
We're distracted, depressed, and missing out on the beauty of life as well as the joy that can come from a job well done.
That self-help book didn't work, the latest productivity hack was hollow, and we feel like a hamster on its wheel every day, running faster and faster to keep up, knowing that catastrophe is imminent.
The bad news: it's getting worse.
It's bullshit.
The Matrix
I feel fortunate enough to remember a time when the internet was a place you went, and your connection to it was a temporary affair. That shit wasn't even airborne yet. You had to plug in, listen to horrible screeching noises, and hope to God Almighty that your mom wasn't waiting on a phone call from, well, anyone.
As technology progressed, the state of hyper-connectivity gifted our world some incredible things. Video chats with grandma. Songs and movies on-demand in an instant. Communication and collaboration across the globe on a broad scale, leading to innovation and opportunity the likes of which the world has never seen before.
It's a world where remote or "hybrid" is possible and, in my opinion, wonderful.
A world where many choose careers in "knowledge work," which means that they sit at a screen for most of the day, solve interesting problems, and do their best to avoid distractions on the internet. It's pretty cushy. I can safely bet most of us would gladly take "knowledge work" over "95º in Texas and you're laying asphalt work."
Except for now, we're plugged in all the time: answering emails at night, replying to Slack messages as we walk our kids to school, and bringing our laptops into the bathroom (you know you've done it).
All of this to keep up with the rest of the hive equally as lost, overwhelmed, and scatterbrained.
But wait, isn't this balance? Isn't this what we asked for?
If we take some time at work to check our personal email or a phone call from the doctor, isn't it logical that, at night, The Company™ can ask for some of our time to reply to Brenda in accounting and finish that proposal real quick?
Yes. This is technically "balance." A life where you can be interrupted at any point in time by someone or something, especially when they create a noise or notification on your phone, watch, or neural implant.
The kids can interrupt you while you're trying to focus on an engaging task for work. And The Company™ can interrupt you while you're watching your daughter play her ass off at a basketball game.
Perfect.
It's not perfect. It's a half-assed way to go through life and work.
Balance is bullshit.
Severance
The AppleTV show Severance is an eerie dystopian look into what many would consider perfect balance. Employees of the fictional biotech company undergo a medical procedure called "severance," which renders them unable to remember anything outside of work while in the office, and on the flip side, unable to remember work while at home.
You take a little elevator ride down to your office, and your brain switches to work mode. When you go back up, you get to think about your family again.
This is an absolute perfect balance.
Why does this show seem so...creepy, then? It's because the employees of this company live a rigid existence, cold and lifeless, entirely transactional, and devoid of our "whole self" that we all beautifully bring to our careers.
There's no room for the fluidity of life in a perfectly balanced system like this. No kid's doctor's appointments. No helping a friend out. No getting help for yourself.
There is no nuance. You're at work, you are property, and your ass belongs to The Company™ until your time is done there that day.
Absolute balance.
Balance is bullshit.
Boundaries
The world is getting more connected, not less. Technology is improving at a ridiculous rate. And all of us are feeling the pressures that an always-on world brings to bear.
As a young tech worker, I remember being envious of people in the medical field. "They're lucky because there's no way they can take that work home," I would tell myself as I slammed my 14th Code Red Mountain Dew at 2 a.m.
Fast-forward a few years, and I've observed my doctor friends routinely having to work at night, finishing up paperwork, emailing patients, and dealing with administrative busywork. Maybe I should take them some Mountain Dew.
It's not just doctors. It's teachers, accountants, and preachers. We're all required to be all on, all the time.
No one, no job, is safe.
We need boundaries.
You see, when people say "I want work / life balance," what they're actually saying is "I want my work place to treat me like a human."
Part of being human is realizing every day of our existence is nuanced and fluid. It's rarely black and white, and the lines drawn in the sand yesterday get washed away by the tides of today.
Yet, we must perform at work and achieve fulfilling things professionally. We must also be good friends, fathers, or spouses and surround ourselves with those we love.
We need boundaries.
- Boundaries are about being present in the moment.
- Boundaries are about being able to say no...and yes.
- Boundaries are dynamic and flexible and can be adjusted depending on the season or circumstance.
- Boundaries are about being able to say "I need help" as well as "I can help."
To accomplish great things at work, you need boundaries on your time and focus. Shutting off your phone for a little bit, saying no to a meeting that you don't need to be in, or delegating something to others allows you to dive deep into the work you need to do and do it at a much higher level of quality.
You'll feel immensely more fulfilled after a day of setting up some guardrails that enable focus, as opposed to playing workplace whack-a-mole. If you're at home, tell your family you're working on something very important and need some time without distraction, barring an emergency.
This obviously works better with older children, but it's never too early to teach respect for focus time.
Similarly, when you're done with your tasks for the day, take a walk with your son or significant other and leave the phone behind. Engage in deep, rich conversation and just...breathe. Listen to the birds and look at the trees blossoming.
Your loved ones know when they've got your full attention. It feels amazing. But when you say "uh huh" for the 15th time in 2 minutes as your daughter talks about her day while you're engrossed in your phone, you slowly teach her that the phone is more important than she is. Ouch. Right in the gut.
I've seen a lot of things on the internet, responded to countless fires, and saved the day more times than I can count, and none of that stuff is as important as the people I love. I will care about 0.0% of that stuff in my final days.
At the same time, I love to achieve professionally and intend to keep growing myself and my skill set.
I can hold both of these in equilibrium with boundaries.
Boundaries help me be present and focused on the task at hand, whether it's a conversation with a friend or a chore at work.
Without boundaries, I suck at work, and I suck at life. I do two things poorly. I'm like a rhino trying to charge at multiple targets simultaneously, expending tons of energy and missing them both by a mile.
You and I are meant for richness in life and vocation. Yet, we can only achieve this when we stop constantly trying to keep both feet in separate pools.
A pool has boundaries. You can't swim in two pools at once.
So pick one, enjoy the swim, and remember that when you say you want balance, you really need boundaries, and that's because deep down we all know that balance...is bullshit.
